Its a really nice time to shoot the shit and get your head clear fishing can be very enjoyable, plus you have a free meal at the end of it! Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. He even told me the next day that he was the luckiest guy in the world. She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. I hope the LW sees your comment. If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. However, my dad, who had all daughters, liked baseball and basketball and he was an outdoorsman. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom When I was a child my mom dragged me to countless art museums with my sister. Someone gets one out and I want to vomit. Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. A little . Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. Huge!! And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. His father worked out of town 5 days a week and was hunting on the weekends during hunting season, so my husband would see him maybe one day a week. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. For one mother, this nightmare is a reality, as her husbands behavior is pushing her daughter away. honeybeenicki He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. Yes! He may feel like he's being left out or that he isn't good enough for his daughter. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. Im not saying that it is ok to be cruel because kids need to grow a thicker skin. What is ok depends on the temperment and personality of every child. A: There are two things to consider here. He never rolled his eyes at me or made me feel less because of what I liked. The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! This is NO accident. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. That sounds awful, Im, so sorry. Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. Spyglassez I strongly agree with this. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? And hed be more likely to help her find an actual interest, not just an ability to tolerate. 1. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . But I agree with everything else you said. I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. I got a very different vibe from this. As an only child, I didnt have to share my parents, and I just happened to love the things my dad loved. Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. It could be something as silly as him walking into the kitchen when theyre talking and him jokingly saying something like Theres my two girls talking about Buffy again! and rolling his eyes. doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. I agree weddings can be stupid . Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! Who knows? He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. You just have to learn to ignore that. Mommy and daddy present a united front. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. Interested in science? And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. Not from Scranton either! 1. My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). That said, its important to try to resolve the conflict constructively. In her mind, hes the only man who should be in your life and she may feel like shes losing him if you get divorced. But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. lets_be_honest You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). The Inner Light Seriously. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. This sounds a lot like my childhood! The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. You're surely not alone. One activity we all enjoyed!!!! I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. . Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. Do they really want intimacy but fear that their need will end up in entrapment? One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. I said that she is acting like she has nothing in common with her husband anymore, because she likes the samethings as her daughter, and that is all she ever talks about. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. sarolabelle Good musicals can be complex and beautiful and again, deal with some pretty mature themes. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. I think she may have deactivated. You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here. Parents can gaslight their children and definitely their daughters-in-law, whether they realize that's what they're doing or not. Well done, as always, my friend. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? Id definitely address his eye-rolling and tell him it is likely going to drive her away, but I also think that if you make an effort to stop excluding him, you might find his behavior improving. Also, now I know how to fix stuff. But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. They do need the help of their partners to learn to love in this new way. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. I simply didnt get it.) As always, your anonymity is golden. Although Mom does need to step up and encourage a stronger relationship between the two of them, its ultimately Dads responsibility to cultivate that relationship. I was/am (?) Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? Forget it. After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. . The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? When the symbolic slot machine pays off, you were likely to have been off and running through the interpersonal Alice in Wonderland maze again. Camping? It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. Without respect there will be no relationship. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. Jordan was my fave back in the day. Buffy was popular in what, 1997? One of my faves is when they all de-evolve into more primitive forms and Worf-monster hunts Picard around the ship. If he feels like thats going to impede their time together, then fine, youre off the hook. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. And that is kind of ok out of respect, if he hands me the remote, I put on things hed like, not what i like. July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. As a counterpoint, I loved all the things my dad liked and he tried to do things I liked. But how are they supposed to co-parent and guide this young girl into being a productive young woman if the LW is only addressing her own behavior and attitudes? Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. Older and (hopefully) wiser Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Heck yeah. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. July 2, 2013, 3:46 pm. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. bittergaymark To me, those things just come along with being part of a family. Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. I recommend that the LW keep a very close eye on this. Whether it be balance sports with history, Buffy with science, it doesnt matter. And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). He would watch Full House or something with us. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. Its not his thing, and as an adult I respect that (now the two of us nerd out talking about law related stuff since I just got my J.D. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. sign, Get the day's headlines delivered directly to your inbox, You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it. Apparently its socially okay to go to games and paint your face and do whatever sports fans do, but Buffy marathons arent. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? Especially a board game like Cranium where everyone can shine in what theyre good at, and it can be good to pair up with someone youre different from. July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. I was like 7.) So, encourage her to spend time with him. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. bittergaymark I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. The advice to the LW is good, but she cannot change her husbands behavior. PostedOctober 22, 2014 He came home and threw his briefcase on the ground. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. Required fields are marked *. When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. Entirely too much. ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. By myself, though. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. I know from personal experience. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. The kids moved away first then the ex followed them Needless to say visits with his kids are rare. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. Counseling could help because communication is an issue here because no matter how much youve talked about it nothing has changed. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. Her free spirit and spontaneity. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. Cardinals games and all. July 2, 2013, 4:32 pm. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. Really truly. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. But the show as a whole, awesome. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. Amazing job today! Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. I adore them and love them as people, not just my parents. Roll your eyes!?! It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. We were really physically active and loved camping and sports, unlike the LWs daughter, but those books made us voracious readers, which in turn made us verbally proficient, intellectually curious, and capable of exploiting our imaginations in sophisticated ways. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her.. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. Grow up, already. She asks me to tell her how much I love her regularly, so I do. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. A museum or something might be a good start. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. I assumed my mom was always just mom like. I remember our reaction (me and my bro) when we found out she liked Led Zeppelin . I dont know why the father doesnt like Star Trek, but shows like Eureka, Warehouse 13, and Revolution are all pretty good cross sections of fangirlyness and science. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. Which is exactly why she wrote in. I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! But he let them happen, and would use them to talk to me about other books or stories that would expand my horizon. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. And totally agreed on the book front. he wants to teach her to drive. July 2, 2013, 12:30 pm. He let us put makeup on him. Shes all the better for it. I was all set to like this until you said shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Why is it not ok for adults to like these shows?? He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. You always give good advice (duh!) The thing that really gets me is that my brother, who is not very bookish, isnt doing that well in his classes and only my mother seems to care. But hes an adult and should show an equal interest in what his daughter likes instead of disparaging her interests and rolling his eyes at her. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. Your dad was probably not rolling his eyes and making disparaging remarks about your interests. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. He is, however, driven and self-reliant. Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. Absolutely. July 2, 2013, 4:12 pm, See, I think that is horrible of your stepfather. Highlight their special talents and abilities. . My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.